Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
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My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –