Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
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when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
This story is comedy gold 😂
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
The future is now.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
just leave it at the foot of the bed
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME