Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
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If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).