If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
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*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
Always…
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.