I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
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When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
So true for me
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.