Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
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Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.