A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
You Might Also Like
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”