Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
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I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.