Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
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Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
If you love someone, let them tweet.