My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
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You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
I thought this was funny lol
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!