Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
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Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
This is a bad sign
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*