[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
You Might Also Like
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
Is this a threat?
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
There is wisdom there.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x