Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
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People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.