Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
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*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
Oh yeh? Explain this then
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM