SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
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Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
meow
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
This is the coolest video you will see today.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that