Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
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Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
selfie game
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.