If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
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[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Traveler’s camo
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”