Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
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“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
who wore it better?
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.