I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
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If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??