This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
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imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
Mornin
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.