A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
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My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
These are my roll models.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.