Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
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*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
A leaf blower, but for people.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.