Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
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Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.