Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
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A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.