I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
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Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
Erm I’m gonna say no
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion