I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
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They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
Wake me when AI does housework
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
Today’s Times
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank