Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
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The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
The future is now.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.