I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
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If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.