🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
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Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.