You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
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My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.