Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
You Might Also Like
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
Yup!
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE