When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
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If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
Happy weekend !
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…