Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
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Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
There are usually two types of merchants.
Cinematography is my passion
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
looks legit
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”