HERE’S MARKY
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ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Name another movie that mislead you?
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.