Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
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Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
seems like a niche market
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.