It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
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Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.