Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
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Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*