If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
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My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.