a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
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I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.