*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
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The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)