Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
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ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…