Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
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If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
Mmmm canned fish.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8