ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
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[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.