If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
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Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed