accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
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My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
twitter users today:
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.