I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
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Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
step 6: release the wall snake
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
Duolingo getting serious.
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect