You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
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We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
Finally!
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
Do one person every day that scares you.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there