do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
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I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
When your best mate counts as a desk too
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.