Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
You Might Also Like
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom