Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
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Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
Home is where your toilet is.
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.